This is the first installment of my 2023 NFL preview. I will go division by division breaking down everything you need to know about each team - what I think of the players, coaches, and the fans. As always, I will be totally serious with my assessments.
Miami Dolphins
The Butt-Punt, which somehow did not lose them this game.
Players
I remember a few years ago when the phrase "tank for Tua" popped up towards the end of the 2019 season. At that time Tua Tagovailoa was seen as a clear #1 overall pick - until some injuries and Joe Burrow made everyone forget about him.
Now days I (and some medical professionals) question whether he can survive a round of bumper cars, much less an NFL game where you hold the thing that makes people want to hit you the majority of the time.
This offseason Tyreek Hill reminded us he can't keep his hands to himself by slapping a 57 year old man at a Miami marina. At least it wasn't a kid this time. He's real fast AND rich though - this combination reduces consequences. He says he will retire when his contract is up, which you can safely assume means when he's not fast anymore. He'll still be rich.
I like Jaylen Waddle's touchdown dance (hint: he waddles). It would be even more fun if he played hockey in Pittsburgh.
The defense was decent a year ago, and I expect them to to still be decent. Miami's big offseason move was to pick up Jaylen Ramsey, who we might see on the field after Thanksgiving.
That's okay though because they brought in Eli Apple to talk shit before getting burnt for a big play. DT's Davis and Wilkins gave a real cute interview last season about how good of friends they are. I like it when teammates are friends.
Coaches
Mike McDaniel is hilarious... save for that one time he almost got his quarterback murdered by sending him on the field after his brains got scrambled.
He towed that company line saying they thought it was a "back injury" which didn't fool anyone with eyeballs. I can't imagine having to make the decisions an NFL head coach must make, but I'm pretty sure he wishes he had that one back.
To make that decision a little easier WHEN it happens again, they brought in the most exciting backup QB in the country: Mike White. I'm convinced Mike White has a career because his name is easy to say and spell.
The defensive coaching got an upgrade with new Defensive Coordinator Vic Fangio. I guess that's fine.
Fans
Daniel Tosh is a big fan of this team, which makes sense cause he got famous making fun of videos featuring people puking, hurting themselves, or both. The Dolphins have been hurting themselves in silly ways since 1972. Given all the liquor and blow ingested in Miami I'm sure there is a considerable amount of vomit.
I also recently learned that it is not uncommon for a Miami Dolphins fan to have found their fandom through the movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. The best part of that movie is when Jim Carey kicks the UPS package to its destination. The rest did not age well... including the Miami Dolphins.
Buffalo Bills
Jim Kelly after getting a concussion in Super Bowl XXVI - he went to the wrong hotel after the game.
Players
The quarter back is Josh Allen, who famously tweeted "if it ain't white, it ain't right!" as a youngster. He had to apologize for this after the Bills drafted him. If you rolled back through my social media (Facebook member since 2005) there are plenty of embarrassing ramblings, out of context I'm sure some could get me in trouble if I were an NFL quarterback.
All that being said, I've watched Josh Allen play football, and he acts like an entitled 13 year old who's mom just told him he can only have one Monster drink a day. When things don't go his way he throws a fit and mopes around. Actions (should) speak louder than tweets.
He can throw the football real good most of the time, which is why nobody really cares how he acts. Also he's the best QB they've had since Jim Kelly - unseating legends like Ryan Fitzpatrick, Tyrod Taylor, and Kyle Orton. The bar wasn't very high for him to jump over.
Stefon Diggs is my favorite player on the team, and it seems like Allen's attitude is a bit contagious. He didn't show up for the first day of camp and had a few negative things to say...
I can't blame Diggs to the same degree - what top 5 NFL wide receiver would want to play in Buffalo? Even if they were winning meaningful games? Sounds awful.
Everyone should draft James Cook in fantasy, unless you're in my league, in which case I hear Damien Harris is going to get all the goal line touches.
Coaches
In 2017 head coach Sean McDermott led this team to its first playoff appearance since 1999. That has kept him employed ever since. There isn't anything the Bills do better than losing in the post season, and he has given them the opportunity to do this nearly every year. He's won the division the past 3 years - a division that includes the mighty Bill Belichick.
Beyond those division titles the Bills have ended each season either whining about the refs or just plain sad.
Ken Dorsey is the Offensive Coordinator. You may remember him as the Cam Newton whisperer. When Cam was good. At least he has been to a Super Bowl.
Fans
I have a secret respect for these fans. Publicly they can come across as drunk, table smashing, right wing leaning, obnoxious assholes. I imagine if I walked through the stadium parking lot before they play the Jets I would see evidence of this.
At heart these people are masochistic heroes. They believe sooo hard, with every fiber of their being, that one day the Buffalo Bills will win a Super Bowl.
Sure, it's hard to be a Browns fan, but the Browns have never had the expectation of winning. Ever.
The Bills went to 4 Super Bowls in the 90's and left each one empty-handed. They completed one of the greatest playoff comebacks in NFL history against the Oilers in 1993 (I remember this game - I was 8 years old), only to get decimated by the Cowboys 52-17 (I remember this game too).
Taking on that much pain over such a long period of time can take a toll, but not on these fans. Bills fans are able to take a 2x4 with nails in it to the side of the head every post season, somehow fashioning "we'll get em next season" into a dirty rag to sop up the blood.
I know a few Bills fans, and they are all upstanding human beings.
New England Patriots
I know he's not with the team anymore - I just couldn't resist this photo.
Players
Tom Brady is retired? Tom Brady is the most Tom Brady who ever played for the Tom Brady's, but we don't have to hear, read, or write about him now... right? That is the gift of the 2023 season - the first season we don't have to see the words TOM BRADY everywhere since the internet was only for nerds. Except for when we talk about the Patriots - this will always be the case.
Anyhow, lets talk about some of the non-Tom Brady Tom Brady's. First we got Mac Jones. He is not Tom Brady. I'm pretty sure he was the product of a bet Billy Belichick lost to Nick Saban one night when they had too many mimosas on Kraft's yacht. The last Bama QB to win a Super Bowl was Ken Stabler in 1976. Mac Jones will not be the second. Not even with an Offensive Coordinator who knows things about offense.
JuJu Smith-Schuster is here because they needed someone with a ring on the field. I think he will have a decent fantasy season, definitely better than last season. For me to say any Patriots player will have a decent fantasy season seems ridiculous, as Billy Boy actively game-plans to screw over anyone starting one of his guys in fantasy football. I think this one will work out though.
Billy B. also signed Zeke Elliot to piss off anyone who drafted Rhamondre Stevenson in best ball prior to the signing. Recently Zeke has said he fits in well with the culture, which surprised me, given how high Zeke used to get super high before preseason games. If he gets a ring with this group I will be upset. Note: If you aren't aware, I'm a Cowboys fan. I'm sorry.
Coaches
Not Matt Patricia! Years ago there was an interview with Jack White (the musician) where he explained how he would move his microphone and keyboard just a little further away each show, in an effort to challenge himself and stay sharp. Matt Patricia was Belichick's way of moving the microphone into a port-a-potty near Fenway.
After Tom Brady left to win a Super Bowl with new friends, Belichick got real weird and started to do things just to prove he could win on his own. He drafted a QB that has no business being the heir to .... ugh... Tom Brady. Instead of hiring a coaching staff with experience and success, he hired his buddies back so they could hang out after watching tape.
Fans
I've always wondered why the New England Patriot's location is "New England." From a marketing standpoint this makes sense because you cover an area rather than a city.
From a history standpoint it makes much less sense, because until 2001 the fans in this area were only fans of the Sox and the Bruins. Rightfully so - the Sox and Bruins won things sometimes. The Patriots didn't.
At least 80% of Pats fans from 2001 to 2019 were bandwagon members. I get it. When the Dallas Stars are winning there are 95% more fans - Dallas is not a hockey town. The real Pats fans experienced decades of obsolescence before their dynasty began.
After those first two Super Bowl wins we got to see what a bandwagon looks like when it travels for 20 years. I'm sure it will travel well after that, at least until Billy B. retires and returns to his liar. I mean lair. He does lie a lot though.
That reminds me - if Billy B. wants to win more he needs to start cheating again. Or just cheat better. He was very good at it for a while, except for the times he got caught.
My friends who are Pats fans are very kind and good people.
New York Jets
Players
Captain Ayahuasca! I wrote a paper on ayahuasca in grad school, it was pretty long considering I was getting a Masters in Recreation Management. I dove into the way it is administered, how it works, typical results, and various legal battles. I've never tried it, but if I was in the right situation I wouldn't hesitate.
Tripping has become common among the super-wealthy, I think cause you can only hang out so long on a yacht before it becomes boring. I support this.
I don't support anything else about Aaron Rodgers. He is a self-righteous narcissist. He's only won one Super Bowl, and it wasn't against a good team. Every single one of his ex-girlfriends is seriously pissed off at him. Today one of his receivers quit football, probably cause AArod is a jerk. He made Pat MaCafee (a PUTNER!) famous. He lied about being vaccinated. Dez caught it.
Nevertheless, I think this season might work out for them. Garrett Wilson is good at football. So is Sauce Gardner. I wouldn't put Lazzard on my fantasy team, but I might regret that.
Rodgers has done more with less after all, and it seems like he is specifically out to wreck all of my hopes and dreams when it comes to the Dallas Cowboys. If it is Jets - Cowboys at the end, I will put a bunch of money on the Jets. It won't be though, I just have a great imagination.
Don't draft either of their running backs in fantasy. Zeke Elliot is the top back in this division.
Coaches/GM/Play Caller/Owner of the Chicago Bears
Aaron Rodgers.
To be fair I think Saleh has done a fine job pretending he has power. So far. I'm excited to see what happens to that locker room when they're 0-4. Brett Favre 2.0 will make Pat MaCafee a billionaire with those Tuesday soap operas.
Fans
If you live in the area, how do you pick between the Jets and Giants? Kind of like the Rams and Chargers, except there is a clear answer there (neither). I'd pick the Jets. I'll tell you why.
I played for the Jets in the 5th grade. In the 3rd grade I played for the Oilers, we won the Super Bowl, but Coach Richard was nuts. He had us running gassers. In the 3rd grade. So I skipped the 4th grade year and did't play any sports. Then the Cowboys won another Super Bowl and I signed back up.
That's when I was drafted by the Jets. I was excited to not be on the Oilers. I forget the name of the coach, but he had a mustache and kind of looked like Ned Flanders. He was kind and fair. We didn't win the Super Bowl that year, but we had a good time. He even let me play some nose tackle - a position I wasn't good at.
In the 6th grade I was one of the bigger kids in the league, so Coach Richard drafted me to the Oilers so we could have a strong O-line. We won the Super Bowl again. I had even more fun that time. Winning is fun.
Rock and roll,
-Stein
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