Pretzel Pickle Pistol Pete transforms into The Dude doggie. I plan on buying the same sweater soon. Look out internet, you're about to get more Dudes.
Last week I went 9-7 in my Week 3 predictions and I'd say that's alright with only 2 weeks of data. I nearly called the final score of the Sunday Night Game (Pit at Vegas) - if the Raiders got a safety I would have been spot on.
Most people who write NFL preview articles don't give final score predictions, and I'm not sure why. The best reason I can come up with is they don't want to be insanely wrong every week. I don't have the Ego for that kind of thought. On to Week 4!
Thursday Night
Detroit Lions (2-1) at Green Bay Packers (2-1)
For the 1995 NFC Divisional game me and dad set off to Texas Stadium, where Jesus could watch the Cowboys through the hole in the roof. The Cowboys had never lost when we were in Texas Stadium (I think we had been once or twice before) so we were were a little optimistic.
At some point during the game dad dropped a bit of nacho cheese on the Packer's fan in front of us, on ACCIDENT. I promise. He became a literal cheesehead.
I took a photo with my disposable camera, in-which you can see a tiny spec of liquid cheese in the neatly cut hair of a Packer's fan. That photo lives today, maybe I'll break it out if the Cowboys play Green Bay in the playoffs. In 2028.
Lions win 28 - 27
Sunday Morning
Atlanta Falcons (2-1) at Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)
London here we come! Advertisements on all platforms will not let me forget this game will also be broadcast on Nickelodeon through some fancy computer that morphs the players into characters from Toy Story. So kids will like it. I'm also guessing they think parents who grew up with Toy Story will like it.
The first movie came out in 1995 (year theme so far!) and I kind of remembered I liked it. I never saw the sequels, but I was impressed by the technology.
Fun story: the kid who came up with Jimmy Neutron was a grade above me in my middle school, and the first short was his project for the gifted and talented class. I think his cousin or something worked at Nickelodeon so he had some access to cool tools.
I watched that short because the teacher was very proud of it, but never watched the movie or series. If it wasn't the Mighty Ducks, I wasn't interested.
Jags win 35 - 31
Miami Dolphins (3-0) at Buffalo Bills (2-1)
Mike McDaniel is hilarious, but he will never win anything important in Miami. This is not his fault - he knows a lot about football and is great at motivating modern professional football players.
It is the fault of the Miami Dolphins, who as an organization probably own most of the cocaine in Maimi-Dade county. This is the only way I can describe the way this organization has conducted itself since before last year.
Hopefully when Sean Peyton gets fired in 1.5 years, along with "Let's Ride" boy Russ, Mike will get a shot with the Denver Broncos. I can't wait to see him vaping Willie Nelson's brand on the sidelines - this time as a paid promoter.
Buffalo Wins 48 - 35
Denver Broncos (0-3) at Chicago Bears (0-3)
The analysts say this is a dumpster fire of a game, but I say there is fantasy treasure everywhere you look. Both defenses are historically awful, so there will be points. My money is on Sutton and Roschon Johnson. One is a homer pick, the other is cause Sutton might catch the ball more this week.
Denver wins 42 - 35
Baltimore Ravens (2-1) at Cleveland Browns (2-1)
Lamar Jackson was really good in the first half last week! Then less good. I really don't like the idea of Deshaun Watson going 3-1 this season, so that explains my prediction.
Ravens win 31 - 21
Cincinnati Bengals (1-2) at Tennessee Titains (1-2)
I love driving - AND - I want to put this on the back of my car:
"If driving a bit slower and more cautious pisses you off - I'm fine with that. Getting to your location 5 minutes earlier isn't worth anyone's life."
But reading all that would surely cause an accident, especially with the state of public education in the state of Texas.
Cincinnati wins 27 - 9
Los Angeles Rams (1-2) at Indianapolis Colts (2-1)
LA will win this game. Do not start Kyren Williams in fantasy though, he is a fine running back but not the answer. The Colts D is good enough to stop one thing, and I think everyone in Indianapolis is still on Hughes Net, so they won't have any tape from the last game.
Rams win 27 - 17
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1) at New Orleans Saints (2-1)
This is a huge game for the future! The NFC South is going to fun to watch, like an armadillo race. Baker Mayfield loves to win. It will be more fun for him in the Superdome.
Bucs win 25 - 17
Washington Commanders (2-1) at Philadelphia Eagles (3-0)
As a Dallas Cowboys fan, the most difficult thing for me is to admit the Eagles are good. The Eagles are good.
Also, "Commanders" is a dumb name. I can't wait until it switches to something more representative of the District of Columbia, like the "Senators" or the "Idiots that got elected somehow and can't get shit done." That second one would be the House of Representatives, but that seems dumb. Maybe just the Washington Idiots would be fine.
I guess they can't do "Senators" cause that's a hockey team name, and they are not to be emulated.
Washington wins 33 - 28
Minnesota Vikings (0-3) at Carolina Panthers (0-3)
The second dumpster fire of the morning - if the Vikings lose, the Jets will absolutely trade a couple pork rolls to Minnesota for Cousins. I really hope this happens.
Here is another photo of Pretzel in his Dude sweater to keep your attention:
It was a good decision to trim my toenails.
Vikings win 35 - 14
Sunday Afternoon
Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1) at Houston Texans (1-2)
Tank Dell is really showing up this season, I hope he keeps it up cause I have him in both fantasy leagues.
Other than that, the real question is will Harris put up fantasy points? I give it a 64% chance he is in the top 5 RB's in fantasy this week.
Pittsburgh wins 24 - 10
Las Vegas Raiders (1-2) at Los Angeles Chargers (1-2)
Vegas and LA are awful places to visit, unless you have a lot of money and famous friends.
Raiders win 27 - 21
New England Patriots (1-2) at Dallas Cowboys (2-1)
Dallas is 0-1 since I started predicting games (last week) so the superstitious side of me (most of me) says I shouldn't call this game.
More importantly, and proven by facts - Mike McCarthy is the worst coach in the NFL. Yes, worse than Sean Peyton and Nathaniel Hackett.
Any game the Cowboys win is in spite of their coach and owner.
The players want this one - they all grew up hating the Pats anyhow.
Dallas wins 49 - 20
Arizona Cardinals (1-2) at San Francisco 49ers (3-0)
For your fantasy teams I would like to remind you that Kittle destroys the Cards every time he plays them. You're welcome.
San Fran wins 32 - 14
Sunday Night
Kansas City Chiefs (2-1) at New York Jets (1-2)
I said last week I hope Taylor and Travis make a ton of money off of this whole deal. They have.
I have been a 45 year old man since I was 15 years old. I wish current 45 year old men hadn't shit on this potential relationship so much on twitter. It reached the point to where my fantasy football radio hosts had to address it. Like, every show, someone had to condemn the hate from 45 year old men towards Taylor Swift.
This gives me a bad rep. I really do hope they make each other happy (a lot of money).
Chiefs win 42 - 13 (Taylor's favorite number has to show up at some point for the folks who make money on TikTok with conspiracy theories)
Monday Night
Seattle Seahawks (2-1) at New York GIants (1-2)
I will watch this game, but I don't care, I don't like either of these teams. Hopefully Taylor makes it out of New Jersey by this point. Here's some more photos of Pretzel as The Dude:
The Dude and Walter hanging out.
Nice shades, dude.
I am very proud of this purchase from Pendleton. That tag coming at the arm is extensive - this clothing takes a lot of specific care. I'm glad I read it.
Seahawks win 25 - 21
Rock and roll,
-Stein
When I grow up, I hope to be at least half as steiny as this Stein guy