This is a photo of 15 year old Stein with two Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. My dad installed a security system for the woman on the left, and her husband happened to work for the Cowboys in the ticket sales department, so we got tickets.
Unfortunately dad and I were not allowed to go onto the field after the game, but she was nice enough to come into the stands for a photo opp. I remember dad yelling "Mark! Smile!" As you can see above - I could not smile - not even for the kind Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.
You see, the Dallas Cowboys had just lost to the New York fucking Giants. I wasn't about to come close to a grin for at least 24 hours. Maybe even til the next win. I was pissed.
I concede it is irrational to feel this way after a professional sports team loss - so long as you don't have money on them (I did not, I was 15). Over time I have learned to give a Cowboy's loss a bit less power over my emotions. Just a bit, but still ... growth, right?
Hear me out though - at this point in my life the Dallas Cowboys had been a significant source of my happiness, and not just because we won 3 Super Bowls. Our family often gathered for Cowboy games to cook family foods like calico beans and apple crisp, tell stories and bond and whatnot.
Most of these family gatherings were not on Thanksgiving, though Thanksgiving was always my favorite. We got to see even more family (they were obligated to be there even if they didn't like football), eat even more food, and everyone watched the game together.
Having the most adolescent brain of the family, I became the person who cared too much about the Dallas Cowboys. That brain wrinkle imprinted itself and has lasted well after the hormones calmed down.
In my brain a Cowboys win is almost like a hug from grandma. I got hugs if they lost too, but you get what I'm saying.
When I was working at a camp in California there were staff members who could not make it home for Thanksgiving, so we gathered to celebrate food, football and friendship. We all made our favorite family foods, watched football, and played wiffle ball in the snow after drinking too much. It was so much fun.
One of my favorite Thanksgivings was when my friend Dan made me a Pork Roll, Egg, and Cheese Sandwich on a Kaiser Bun at 7AM. Not only was this a reference to one of my favorite Ween songs, but Dan's mom had shipped the Pork Roll in from New Jersey! This gave me the opportunity to taste a bit of a home I had never visited. We spent the rest of the day cooking and drinking - it was great.
One Thanksgiving the Cowboys lost to Washington. I approached a fellow staff member who happened to be a Washington fan, and with the restraint of a bouncer at a fancy club, I said to him "Thank you for coming, now please get the fuck out of my house."
Of course I was told about this afterwards, as I was impaired by blind rage (in addition to drinking all day...) but he knew I was upset at the Cowboys, not him.
The fact is I take take Dallas Cowboy football games too seriously. There are many things I don't like about the Dallas Cowboys (owner, Head Coach, the new stadium, most of the fans...) but I know why I take it too seriously, and I'm fine with that. Love is love.
Also, sorry about being an asshole, Doug. And thank you for telling me about it afterwards :)
My Documented Predictions Update
I got a big head last week and did poorly - I went 7-7 which is by far my worst week yet. This probably explains more about me than I'm willing to dig into. I am now 62 - 37 (63% winning percentage) with documented predictions.
I'd like to talk about how I almost called the Bears-Lions game, but if I cared about almost being right I'd call games against the spread, like a coward.
THANKSGIVING FOOTBALL
Green Bay Packers (4-6) at Detroit Lions (8-2)
I still miss John Madden, and he hasn't called a game since Obama's first term. I watched a compilation video today of Madden explaining the Turducken. At one point the producer hands him a fully cooked bird(s) and he uses his hands to pull it a part in an attempt to explain how to cut it with a knife.
Most people didn't know know how to cut a Turducken - he was trying to help out. This is also what he did as an analyst - messily pulled plays a part with a yellow pen, all the while providing useful information.
I gotta say this could have been such a better game if Aaron Rodgers didn't need more attention than Green Bay could give him.
Detroit wins 35 - 17
Washington Commanders (4-7) at Dallas Cowboys (7-3)
I refuse to call any more Cowboy games for the rest of the season, I can only focus on the negative aspects of this team. Despite not beating a team with a current winning record, we aren't doing that bad.
Well... at least I won't call this game... cause I'm scared.
San Francisco 49er's (7-3) at Seattle Seahawks (6-4)
Holy shit, if the Seahawks some how win ... would they hold first place in the NFC West?
I feel bad for the fans of these two teams though. If you do Thanksgiving right you should be in bed by 8PM (bed=passed out somewhere).
49er's win 31 - 22
Friday Afternoon?!?!
Miami Dolphins (7-3) at New York Jets (4-6)
What a nice appetizer to the last Longhorns vs. Texas Tech game, presumably for a very long time. At least until Tech gets good and UT goes 6-6 in the SEC. So I'm guessing... 2043?
I went to a UT game in Lubbock in 2006 because two of my Bear Creek friends went to school there. It was amazing. The Longhorns were down something like 31 - 0 at half, and the horns pulled off the most amazing 35 point comeback. I can't believe it isn't replayed as much as the 2005 National Championship on the Longhorn Network.
After leaving the stadium I lost track of my friends and ended up walking by a guy preaching through a hand-held speaker system to the thousands of (very drunk) students walking by. He was shouting things like "are you going to go back to your dorm and FORNICATE? Then you are going to HELL!"
I stood near him and started yelling about how much I loved cheese, and if people didn't like cheese they might go to hell. He mistakenly thought I was in agreement with his preaching and handed me the mic... I think he pulled it back when I started listing off different types of cheeses. I wasn't even under any type of influence.
Point is, I had a lot of fun in Lubbock.
Jets win 24 - 21
Sunday Morning
New Orleans Saints (5-5) at Atlanta Falcons (4-6)
Arthur Smith said he would use Bijan more this week, which is code for "I'd like to keep my job, please." I am happy he will lose his job anyway, baring winning the rest of the regular season games.
It is sad he won't find work elsewhere in the NFL. This is what happens when you demand others acknowledge you are the smartest person in the room, but it is painfully clear to everyone in the room (and outside the room) that is not the case. Money can't buy brains.
I bet he comes back as the (seriously bad) owner of some awful expansion team with daddy's money in 2028.
Falcons win 37 - 14
Pittsburgh Steelers (6-4) at Cincinnati Bengals (5-5)
Speaking of coaches losing their jobs - nice work Steelers! Matt Canada is gone! Now you have less excuses for Pickett.
Joe Burrow has his second season-ending injury of his NFL career, poor guy. I feel nothing for Bengals fans - this is what you deserve. Just like the Cowboys deserve to lose in the first round of the playoffs.
Steelers win 33 - 28
Carolina Panthers (1-9) at Tennessee Titans (3-7)
I was certain the Panthers would make a game of it last week against the Cowboys, and they did for the first half, despite the refs covering them in laundry.
A big part of this looking like a convincing win was Daron Bland's 4th pick-six of the season, which ties the NFL record.
If he breaks the record he should open up a line of Texas spices - Bland Spice Company. I'd buy it.
Titans win 21 - 17
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-6) at Indianapolis Colts (5-5)
Jim Irsay said he was arrested in 2014 due to prejudice against him because he is "a rich, white billionaire." What kind of drugs made him say that? Not any good ones.
Just goes to show - money doesn't make you smart or good at being a human - but it can make you absolutely bat-shit insane.
Buccs win 38 - 31
New England Patriots (2-8) at New York Giants (3-8)
Oh shit! I almost forgot to mention - I saw a guy at Kroger today in the freezer isle wearing a shirt that read "Lebowski - Sobchak 2024" so I awkwardly said "Dig the shirt, man."
Why didn't I say "Dig the shirt, DUDE" - he was clearly a dude!
Given my appearance, I think he assumed I meant to say "dude."
He smiled and said "Thank's man!"
I responded "rock and roll" and ran away.
I guess you can't win all social interactions, I'll call that one a tie.
Giants win 23 - 17
Jacksonville Jaguars (7-3) at Houston Texans (6-4)
Have you seen the show The Curse? I think it is really well-done. It is created and written by Nathan Fielder and Benny Safdie, who are probably most famous for Nathan for You - the greatest reality television show in history. Emma Stone co-stars, she's pretty great .
There is some uncomfortable full-frontal male nudity in the first episode, but it is important to the plot so it works. I'm not saying full-frontal male nudity makes me uncomfortable, but this time it was supposed to make everyone feel that way.
Now that I think of it - most full-frontal male nudity in movies and TV is there with the intention to make people uncomfortable and/or laugh. Wieners are generally funny looking, so this makes sense.
There are only two episodes out, but I can't wait to see where it goes. Stream on Paramount+ Fridays or watch Sundays on Showtime.
Texans win 45 - 42
Sunday Afternoon
Cleveland Browns (7-3) at Denver Broncos (5-5)
Joe Flacco? Alright, I guess, should be entertaining when he gets on the field.
Meanwhile the Broncos are showing us all why you play a whole season. Despite my feelings about the coach and QB, it is pretty impressive this team didn't give up completely after Miami thumped them.
Broncos win 27 - 16
Los Angeles Rams (4-6) at Arizona Cardinals (2-9)
Both of these teams are better than they should be.
Cardinals win 36 - 35
Kansas City Chiefs (7-3) at Las Vegas Raiders (5-6)
This might be the biggest rivalry of the week. The Raiders made the playoffs the last time they fired their coach mid-season. Maybe they do it again? There is something empowering about kicking out a coach who thinks being a self-centered asshole is necessary to win.
Raiders win 23 - 21
Buffalo Bills (6-5) at Philadelphia Eagles (9-1)
I think you all know who I want to win this game, but the fact is, the Eagles are not as good as their record.
Everyone said that last year too. Then the Eagles made it to the Super Bowl...
Bills win 31 - 27
Sunday Night
Baltimore Ravens (8-3) at Los Angeles Chargers (4-6)
Keenan Allen dropped two TD passes last week - and still scored 30 fantasy points. He was tied for the second most productive fantasy player in the league in week 11.
They still lost the game... to the Packers.
NFL Coaches who hate fantasy football are jealous of the fantasy owners who get to win a game, while they will be fired for being an awful coach. I am certain of this.
Chargers win 42 - 40
Monday Night
Chicago Bears (3-8) at Minnesota Vikings (6-5)
This could so easily be a good game to cap a great Week 12, and it will! But with very few points.
Mostly because Josh Dobbs is still America's hero.
Vikings win 13 - 10
Taylor Swift Attendance Update
Taylor missed the game on Monday. By all accounts she was going to be there. Then some terrible shit went down at work (Brazil) and she had to postpone a show. When you love what you do, and the people you do it for, sometimes you have to cancel plans.
There is no doubt Travis understands, he's a good dude.
I hope she still gets to have some turkey with the Kelce family, and the Kelce family gets to meet the Swifts. Maybe they post a photo or two? It seems like they are getting more comfortable with sharing their relationship publicly, especially after the WSJ article.
I'm going to call this last week a wash, like how they suspended the Chiefs-Bills game last season due to an emergency. Nobody wins, nobody loses - hopefully everyone stays safe. Thus the commissioner (me) has decided it will not count against my (currently 4-0) record of calling Taylor Swift NFL appearances.
The important thing is they are totally great for each other, and their joy continues to spread all over the world.
Rock and roll,
-Stein
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