Howdy friends and neighbors,
Here we are - hours away from the most exciting NFL event since the Super Bowl which was .... three years ago? Time is hard. Anyhow, because the National Football League has only 5 actual months of product for the fans, they must hype the absolute hell out of anything remotely interesting and drag it out as long as possible (ahem...Aaron Rodgers). I'm here to help them out. Here is my 1st round synopsis:
1) Carolina Panthers (from Chicago) - I guess Vegas says they're going to pick Bryce Young, and Vegas is usually right, thats where money comes from you know? They could pick Jesus Christ himself and it still wouldn't be worth what they gave up for this pick.
2) Houston Texans - Houston will get exactly what they deserve - one can only hope.
3) Arizona Cardinals - Whether they trade down or pick Will Anderson, whoever the coach is now will be in Thailand in a year and a half. Book those tickets early and get a discount!
4) Indianapolis Colts - Given their recent QB strategy, the Colts will trade down and pick up Tim Tebow to start this season. Jim Irsay has all the good drugs, he just wants to be entertained.
5) Seattle Seahawks (from Denver) - They could pick a punter and it would still be better than having Russel Wilson on your team. I hope they pick a punter to prove this point.
6) Detroit Lions (from L.A. Rams) - This pick is a part of the Matt Stafford trade (I guess he prefers Matthew like a Highland Park kid would), and the product of that was a Super Bowl so I guess it worked out? Except for when their best player and really good head coach saw the writing on the wall and almost retired right after that Super Bowl win. Why are they still on the team this season? I guess money is good, and the only thing to make living in LA bearable.
7) Las Vegas Raiders - Josh McDaniels will trade down to get New England's pick for nothing, just so he can have another thing from the Patriots.
8) Atlanta Falcons - If they pick Bijan Robinson I'll be sad because I want him to be a Cowboy. Then again, that might make them the best team in the NFC South so they can lose to Dallas in the first round of the playoffs. I guess that would be worth it.
9) Chicago Bears (from Carolina) - Ahahaha, stupid Carolina. It doesn't matter who they pick, Chicago's previous owner got shipped to the Jets.
10) Philadelphia Eagles (from New Orleans) - If Bijan goes here I will be pissed.
11) Tennessee Titans - This team owes its fans more, which I hear is mostly made up of bachelorette parties and racist country musicians. So on second though, I hope they pick the worst QB in the draft and watch him fumble away the future.
12) Houston Texans (from Cleveland) - Wait wait, they get TWO first round picks for facilitating and looking the other way while their star QB committed sexual assault? And the Dolphins lost their first round pick because Tom Brady is an asshole? Welcome to the NFL friends, the most popular sport in the United States.
13) Green Bay Packers (from N.Y. Jets) - They got rid of Aaron Rodgers AND moved up a couple spots - not fair.
14) New England Patriots - The most brilliant coach in history has failed mostly with this pick in the last decade, when he's had it. This year he will prove everyone wrong by picking whatever quarterback is left cause he REALLY hates the fact Mac Jones hasn't won a Super Bowl yet.
15) New York Jets (from Green Bay) - After their new QB makes management try ayahuasca, the New York Jets will pick that being who comforted them throughout their journey through space and time, which turned out to be a cool looking rock.
16) Washington Commanders - With a new name and less-terrible owner they win the NFL morality award. This award is worth nothing, but you poor fans can feel relieved.
17) Pittsburgh Steelers - The Stillers will get Joey Porter Jr. which will be just enough for them to go 9-8 again for the next three seasons, while missing the playoffs.
18) Detroit Lions - Whoever it is they better bite some kneecaps off.
19) Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Are they all-in on Baker? Is Baker all-in on them? There won't be any QB's left at this point so it doesn't really matter.
20) Seattle Seahawks - These are the most obnoxious fans in the NFL. They used to come to The Common Interest - a karaoke bar that had NFL Sunday Ticket and served me screw drivers and breakfast tacos on Sunday morning. It's even more obnoxious that Pete Carrol is actually a good coach. I bet they go defense.
21) Los Angeles Chargers - Justin Herbert deserves better, at least he gets that California sunshine. Their fan will be upset with whoever they pick.
22) Baltimore Ravens - I'm really sick of the Lamar takes. Here's mine: neither side is right.
23) Minnesota Vikings - What is this "Griddy" thing? Isn't that the mascot of the Fylers? Did everyone copy it from Justin Jefferson? I hope he can get the hell out of there in a season or two.
24) Jacksonville Jaguars - Look at what happens to a team when their coach isn't an asshole! I wonder what Trevor Lawrence will be like when he gets some more weapons and success - I fear it will be a lot like Russel Wilson. Jaguars country, lets prowl.
25) New York Giants - Danny Dimes needs a wide out to throw to since they traded away their best one last season. Even Saquon doesn't want to play for them, and he seems like a pretty nice guy. If they get Quentin Johnston I will be a little sad.
26) Dallas Cowboys - You may know this is my team. I want Bijan like a fat kid wants cake. It would be a lot of fun at first, but not great for my digestive system in the long run. We'll probably get Michael Mayer from Noter Dame - the broccoli and carrot selection.
27) Buffalo Bills - This team has so much star power, passionate fans, and absolutely no chance of winning a Super Bowl so long as the Chiefs have Mahomes and the Bengals have Burrow. I feel for you Bills Mafia, but your future looks a lot like the early 90's without the Super Bowl appearances.
28) Cincinnati Bengals - I kinda wished they would have picked up Zeke Elliot so he could have a shot at a ring, but I understand why they haven't... yet.
29) New Orleans Saints (from San Francisco through Miami and Denver) - Whoever this pick is they will be a beast, simply because of how many teams this pick has passed through. Also because New Orleans gets stupid lucky every year to stay remotely relevant.
30) Philadelphia Eagles - You go to the Super Bowl and get 2 first round picks? No fair.
31) Kansas City Chiefs - Remember a few years ago when the Chiefs won the Super Bowl and then Mahomes was like "lets take a running back here" and they did? How'd that work out? Poorly. I do think the NFL should have a rule where if Mahomes plays for your team you don't get a first round pick, in the interest of fairness. They'll probably pick up an O-lineman or something.
That concludes my totally serious preview of the 2023 NFL Draft. Feel free to argue with me, even though I am right and you are wrong. Don't forget to boo Rodger Goodell from your couch!
-Stein
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